Being an adult sucks so goddamn hard. Correction. Being poor does. Both really. With a masters degree at the age of 29, I work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week in a cubicle. I get zero dollars for any hour over 40 that I work, and I spend most of my work day being belittled and browbeaten for my “laziness”. I am incidentally one of the most qualified and trained people in my office.
All of this, to come home to a one room basement apartment where the lights don’t work, we have a mold problem, my landlord makes me pay his electric bill and his insurance bill. Oh, and every time it rains, sewage from the street backs into my apartment because he was too lazy to install a 50 dollar backflow valve. Rainwater also floods up through the floor. Amongst other things.
I have a car that is half paid off, but undrivable, because i left it in my dads garage, and he took it for a joy ride that somehow did 1500 dollars worth of damage to it. I pay 1000 dollars a month, not counting taxes for it to sit in a driveway.
I refuse to go back to college because I am aware that college is a scam. I know this first hand because I taught at a university for three years. Ive run the numbers. Short of medicine, its cheaper to stick with what I’ve got. I’d go to med school, but i have a personality disorder that would prevent me from practicing. Prevents me from a lot of things, apparently. Which is bullshit, because of everyone I know, I’m the most stable person I know. I’m also one of only two people I know who either doesn’t mooch off of their parents or live with 5 roommates.
I think its time i changed a lot of things in my life.
Existential panic. Also. I need to stop typing and start making things.
I don’t like how at 29 when I get worked up I talk and talk and talk and none of it makes sense and its all entirely narcissistic and I really just want to be left alone forever even though thats not true at all and i just want some kind of connection because I feel so incredibly alienated and alone 24/7 and its some kind of shame response because that’s all we ever feel these days is shame and holy shit this is a run on sentence.
Growing Up: Part Prologue
There are parts about being a grown up that suck really hard; I really feel I ought to write these down. As a warning. But, I’m typing from a phone, and it’s cramping my style/hand.
Fresh on the list that I wish I knew: you will never take a vacation again as a grownup. I mean that. And i mean more than just no summer vacation. Worse.
National holidays? Sure you get those off. But your boss will schedule a deadline for the day before. So no matter how burnt out you are, the weekend before you will be in office. Both days. Working off the clock. Negating the day off you get next week. Which doesn’t matter anyways, because something will come up last minute and you’ll be in there on that national holiday.
"But Jamie," you say, "surely that’s not legal." And by legal, you probably mean ethical. Its probably both. I have no idea. I do know that since there’s no way of recording that you were in the office, since that’s kinda the whole point, you’re just going to have to eat the time.
Now if you’re lucky enough to have a job that offers vacation days, remember that when you’re a grown up, you don’t get those for actual fun. You have to bank those for a friend’s funeral (which is going to happen a lot since your friends are all retarded/unhealthy), with the remainder held over for sick days, going to the dentist, and emergencies, like waiting for a plumber to fix some explosive pipe somewhere. Anything left over is used either for those holidays you’re obligated to visit family on, or time spent fixing things in your home because you’re poor and of course your shit is broken.
Just expect that. And you’ll be kind of ok.
I think the reason characters grow and mature in film and literature is because in reality, things just stay stagnant until you implode.
A friend of mine came over last night and we played Space Invaders… using ice cubes and our Kink Engineering vacbed.
This make me really want to take mine out for a spin.
Have you ever been going somewhere with a crowd and you’re certain it’s the wrong road and you tell them, but they won’t listen, so you just have to plod along in what you know is the wrong direction till somebody more important gets the same idea?